New Government Terms of Service: We Can do Anything we Want with You. Forever.

Saying that “our ideals give us the strength and moral high ground,” the Commander-in-Chief issued a bold decree Friday night revising and simplifying the government’s terms of service. “This grand step forward is dedicated to the proposition that all men are equal,” he said during an open-air speech at Chicago’s Soldier Field.

Formalizes New Powers

In a rare midnight press conference, a White House spokeswoman said that the unprecedented executive order, which takes effect immediately, formalizes the many new powers granted to the USA Homeland Federal Government in the last century and supersedes all previous legal code, including the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, the Bill of Rights, the Constitution, the Declaration of Independence and the Magna Carta.

Perpetual License to … You

“In order to form a more efficient government,” reads the edict, “you hereby grant the USA Homeland Federal Government an irrevocable, perpetual, exclusive, transferable, fully paid, worldwide license (with the right to sublicense) to your property, your income, your labor, your offspring and your body.”

One Nation, under Command

“My revolutionary new statement on the Rights of Government brings hope and the promise of change to those in need in our great nation,” the Commander said in an impromptu speech to the Washington press corps. “Never again will this great government run short of needed funds or able servants to execute our national service projects. This historic order realizes the dream of our founding fathers: one nation, under command.”

Civil Servants Freed to Face Challenges

Highly placed sources inside the regime claim the edict will free civil servants to face the nation’s greatest challenges, including the $200 trillion national shortfall, the soaring cost of health care for the aged, police department budget shortfalls and the failing tax collection infrastructure. “Government productivity will triple with these new powers,” said one source.

Necessary to Forestall Bankruptcy

Leading economists claim the measure is necessary to forestall national bankruptcy. “With debt – both personal and governmental – at twenty-five times earnings, the Chinese left the Commander with no choice,” said one economist. “They needed to know that individual labor could be called upon to keep up interest payments on our ballooning debts.”

Establishing “Right to Serve”

But some civil libertarians reacted with criticism. “He should at least include something about freedom of speech,” said an ACLU spokesman who wished to remain anonymous. “The right to serve is fundamental,” said the Chairman of the Libertarian Party, “and we applaud the Commander for establishing it. But we must wait and see how he plans to use it before jumping to any conclusions.”

Average Citizen has “Nothing to Fear”

A leading conservative commentator and co-host of the Fox show “Obey” sought to calms fears about the revolutionary order on Sunday morning, saying “The average citizen has nothing to fear as long he stays in line and doesn’t offend the wrong civil servant or isn’t just plain unlucky.”

Photo credit: Kevin Krejci. Photo license.